Reports indicate that Matthew Burris, otherwise known as asshole by his ex-girlfriends, henceforth known as Mr. Burris, just turned 25 years old today. Mr. Burris, famous for running a bunch of websites, playing video games, and generally being an isolated geek amongst sheep and rednecks, was last seen entering a restaurant with a buxom blonde bombshell. When approached, we learned that the woman was hired and sent to Mr. Burris by Hugh Grant. When approached, Mr. Burris told us to speak with his lawyer. After 2 calls, his lawyer finally returned our message. He had this prepared statement to say:

“All rumors of Mr. Burris turning 25 is false. I repeat, they are false. This was started by a deranged fan, trying to get Mr. Burris to expose his breast to his fans. Mr. Burris feels the rumors spread in tabloids such as The Sun, and The National Enquirer, alongside the alien baby born from a cow, are misleading, as well as defamatory. So please, let’s keep this in perspective and respect Mr. Burris wishes. Thank you for your time.”

You’re my boy, Blue!

[Listening to: Felix Da Housecat – Control Freaq (5:12)]